It's 2:00 a.m. It's late (or early) and I am wide awake, thinking. I am thinking of all the things I have done, and the way I should of done things differently in my life. I look back with shame, repentance and to some of the memories with happiness. But the ones that I see so vividly in my mind, the ones that plague me the most, are my faults. I see my failures, my trouble, and my consistent struggles. Oh how wrong I am when I think I am doing just fine, or when I try to do things in my one strength. Why is it at times I forget I am accountable for my actions, is it life, or is it sadly myself. In my heart though, I know it is myself. I cannot blame anyone, but me. I am accountable for me, not the world. I guess what I am trying to say is I am humbled. I do not deserve God's love. I do not deserve His forgiveness, mercy or grace. I do not think I can even fully grasp why God loves me so much. Even when He knows I am going to fail and I am going to struggle. Why is it as I sit here thinking, I feel loved, yet unworthy?
If I wrote everything I have ever said, thought, or even done. I find myself ashamed. Yes, I can see the times were things are right in the sight of the Lord, but the one thing I cannot shake, is the wrong. Is it the devil trying to discourage me? I do not know, but I am not worried about being discouraged. I find myself encouraged, not discouraged. It is times like these I am reminded of the love, mercy and grace the Lord has bestowed on someone like me. It makes me want to strive to be a better Christian, to keep going, and not constantly fail Him. I know I am not perfect, but it doesn't mean I cannot give Him my very best! It's time for me to leave the 211 zone and strive for the 212 daily as I always should.
I find myself in the midst of thoughts,
They cloud my mind of everything,
I see my struggles, my failures and my doubts,
The times I was happy and times I was sad,
Along with these, I see a glimmer,
A glimmer of hope, and grace,
Why is it through all circumstances,
I always see the Light,
It is not dim, nor is it hid.
I can always find it, if I truly look.
At times I want to ignore it,
I hide myself from its knowing glare,
but it never leaves me, nor forsakes.
It is constant, in everything.
Why do I try to hide?
I am ashamed, and unworthy.
How could this Light, the Lord, love me,
How could He care for me,
I am sinful, and foolish
Yet, He loves and cares for me.
Though I cannot grasp it, nor understand,
He does, it is that simple.
He just wants me to trust and rely on Him alone.
(c) Julie 2011
(c) Julie 2011
Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 3:12-14)
